Jeff Goldblum is an actor. He has starred in films both cult (Earth Girls Are Easy) and blockbuster (Jurassic Park). He’s worked with Wes Anderson. He’s been part of the MCU. Last year he was in Wicked, a film that made three quarters of a billion dollars and won multiple Oscars. Make no mistake, Jeff Goldblum is an actor.
However, Jeff Goldblum is not just an actor. He is also Jeff Goldblum, and this in itself is a full-time job. He releases jazz albums. He conducts interviews where he ums and ahs over every idiosyncratic word choice, like a wan minor European royal choosing hors d’oeuvres from a silver tray. He has developed a system – and this sounds made up, but it isn’t – where he awards people and things a ranking of Goldblums out of a possible 10 Goldblums. When it came time to mark the 25th anniversary of Jurassic Park, how did Universal Pictures choose to do it? By building a 25ft statue of Goldblum with his shirt unbuttoned and plonking it right in the centre of London.
Some actors spend a lifetime trying to avoid this level of innate memeability (witness the years that Nicolas Cage has put into convincing people there’s more to him than dinosaur bones and screaming), but not Jeff Goldblum. He has embraced his life as a meme, and now it’s time to make that official.
“It’s official!” crowed his official Jeff Goldblum Instagram account on Tuesday. “I’m launching a brand new merch line.” Although details of the merch line haven’t yet been made public (those on his mailing list will get first dibs on Thursday), the gallery on his Instagram grid seems to point to it being primarily clothing-based. There’s a picture of Jeff Goldblum in a black Jeff Goldblum jacket. A picture of him in a white Jeff Goldblum bowling shirt. And there he is again in a white Jeff Goldblum sweater, a white Jeff Goldblum T-shirt and a pair of Jeff Goldblum socks. In other words, unless you were really holding out for a pair of commemorative Jeff Goldblum trousers, all your clothing needs will be covered.
Now, you’re probably asking yourself what makes a Jeff Goldblum garment a Jeff Goldblum garment? Well, in this instance it’s a line drawing of a bird. This appears on all of Goldblum’s merch, although some also include his initials, or the name of his jazz band, or the phrase “Still Blooming”. Which is all very nice but, in terms of Goldblums, probably only deserves seven Goldblums out of a possible 10 Goldblums.
In other words, while this is all very tasteful and I would definitely wear it – Jeff, if you’re reading, I’m a large – it doesn’t quite go far enough. Anyone can stick a picture of a bird on a shirt and sell it, but you expect more from Jeff Goldblum – a man who makes videos critiquing tattoos that people have had made of his face. If you’re going to do a merch line, commit properly and put your face on it.
Have you ever searched Etsy for your own name, Jeff? I have, and let me tell you it is a wonderland. You can buy T-shirts of your smiling face on the body of a fly. You can buy a Jeff Goldblum: The Eras Tour T-shirt featuring pictures of your face from throughout your career. A T-shirt of your face with the word “Zaddy” underneath it in the Barbie font. A pair of women’s knickers with your face over the crotch, doing a “shhh” pose.
Isn’t this where you should be aiming, Jeff? Shouldn’t you see such goods being sold elsewhere, and understand that your face is your fortune, and start making some of your own? You have millions of fans around the world, and a very high percentage of them would pay good money for you to sternly go “shh” on their knickers, especially if it was official.
As a phase one, the merch line is a good start and, to reiterate, I am a large. But where there’s muck there’s brass. Do this properly and flood the market with your face, and I promise you’ll never have to work again.