I’m a millennial musician who was there at the buttcrack of dawn of MySpace and YouTube, so girl, I’VE BEEN THERE FROM THE BEGINNING. Did my personal MySpace page have a nauseating Lisa-Frank-on-acid aesthetic with a mouse cursor that transformed into a unicorn spewing glitter when it moved? Absolutely. Did I have a Xanga page with cringe poetry that detailed things I wanted to do to Keanu Reeves while Such Great Heights played on a loop in the background? Of course my basic ass did.
I think my internet sense of humour is rooted mainly in a deep, sincere love for bad music, which is any music that gives me a manic grin and makes me whisper to myself, “What the fuck … ” I need to know how these works of art got greenlit. I need to know why there are 17 lead vocal tracks on the Cadillac song (see below). I need to know if Nick Jonas practised AT ALL before going on stage at the CMAs. I need to know if the Christian music influencers know they are using a blaccent, or if they know a single Black person. Either way, the results are a gift to us all. Or a gift to me, anyway.
1. Nickelback – Look at this graph
It’s not so much how the graph is superimposed on to the photo(graph), but the soft-focus earnestness of Chad Kroeger’s face in the background.
2. Cadillac – Every Now and Then
Listen to this fucking production. There are five lead vocals. None of them are in tune. The melodies stretch OVER the bar and it’s unclear what time signature it’s in. The background vocals are LOUDER than the lead vocal. The drums are barely audible but definitely not in time. The bassline meanders aimlessly in what feels like an INVERSE groove. Then it randomly speeds up in the middle and goes back to its original tempo. I could listen to this on loop for hours and still discover something new every time.
3. Mitch Wood – Every Curtain Call
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I’m obsessed with Mitch Wood. It’s this Canadian dude running around his kitchen island 400 times. No budget, no problem. If you’re a theatre kid you’ll know that every single one of these people in his curtain call is surgically specific.
4. Patti LaBelle – Where my Background Singers?
This is an internet treasure – icon, legend, queen Patti LaBelle singing at the White House annual tree lighting ceremony, having no idea where her backup singers are and becoming more and more visibly pissed. They finally pop up at the end at the most random moment and it was later revealed they were stuck in a fire drill. Incredible stuff.
5. Two Tree Hill – Centrist Anthem
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Not bad music, but I made an exception for some excellent musical comedy. I’m biased, because they’re my friends, but Two Tree Hill is making the smartest, funniest musical comedy out there right now. This popped up on my algorithm last year and I immediately messaged them like CAN WE BE FRIENDS?!?!? I got a DM back from Ryan saying “Charlene … I literally saw you on tour with StarKid when I was 14.” The rest is history.
6. Chad Rising – Renegade
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Chad has what I can only describe as inverse swag, but I fear the song kind of slaps. It’s like if your weird co-worker at H&R Block heard Charli xcx once and decided to make this on his dinner break. “I’m a rook that moved diagonally” is definitely a bar. I know exactly what GarageBand synth loop this is. It’s called like “Dubstep Flames 22” or something.
7. Porter – Jesus Freestyle
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My algorithm is completely screwed because I can’t stop hate-watching Christian music reels. Especially of white Christian “rappers” in a newsboy cap, freestyling in the parking lot of their suburban strip mall. Being a white girl saying “What’s yo’ fuuuunction / homewrecking my heart with intellectual seduction” like this should be outlawed in several states. Girl, you aren’t J Cole. Stop it. Stop it right now.
8. Lemme Smang It – Yung Humma ft Flynt Flossy
Peak 2012-core. I have so many questions. Who styled everyone? Did these low-energy office interns audition to dance in this video? What’s with the Microsoft Office-core flash animations in the background? Who chose these fonts? All that said, it sounds like Temu Drop it Like It’s Hot and I can’t get enough.
9. Nick Jonas’ guitar solo fail at the CMAs
Delicious on every level. Free jazz at best. It’s like walking into a room and forgetting what you wanted to do there. I have played it many times on my own and I discover something new every time.
10. Jimmy O Yang – ‘Guess how much’
As a first-generation Chinese person with the cheapest parents alive, I relate to this on every level. Jimmy is the GOAT.